Let’s get out of debt. Stay out of debt & live fabulously!
Why does nobody talk about money?
Why am I here? Ie. Just for today, unable to afford a coffee if I leave the house? I've earned millions in my life time and helped others do the same. In the past I bought and sold three properties and made hundreds of thousands of pounds in profit from those house sales. But right now, I am here. I'm officially financially f*cked. I have hit a financial rock bottom.
Until a couple of years ago I had a successful UK based Digital Agency business. It employed a small team of brilliant people, at least two of whom were able to get mortgages and buy their own homes because of their employment with me. The future really was bright.
But COVID hit and I had to turn my focus to child care of three kids under ten. The financial and emotional pressures of COVID and single parenting whilst trying to run my business put the final nail in the coffin of my marriage and we separated. At the time I was confidently self-supporting, so I did not ask for any money from my ex but in return he committed to covering the cost of the kids education. That was then.
Right now (despite previous exponential successes!) today, my official personal financial position is challenging. Ironically, I continue to help my business owner clients turn over millions and have six figure online launches whilst I struggle quietly to cover my business overheads and contribute (even just a little) to the bills and rent (I no longer own a property), to provide a stable home for the children.
In an effort to shine a light on this total financial f*ckedness and change the fundamentals of my behaviour once and for all, I am starting this regular blog about money in order to look into the reasons behind my cyclical financial chaos. As a recovering alcoholic and someone who battled with chronic eating disorders from the age of 11 to my mid 20s (I spent many years of my life in feast or famine (literally)), I know from my previous experiences of recovering from debilitating, habitual, recurrent (some might call obsessive compulsive) problems, that the the only way to do so ONCE AND FOR ALL - is to TRULY acknowledge the problem. To accept it and then take 100% responsibility for it. Then to consciously and intentionally live lovingly in the awareness of this problem (without self flagellating), one day at a time. Always making an effort to ensure the problem is not forgotten or brushed under the carpet or blamed on another - turning it over and objectively examining it from a million different angles, in order that it does not rear its ugly head in the same painful way again. It’s the shining a light on it that actually fixes it. After all darkness cannot exist where there is light.
I am particularly frustrated by this money problem I have, as I consider myself to be bright and well educated and very well informed about current affairs. Many times I have created the strategy and implemented the tools to help other business owners have double and triple figure online launches and last year I even worked with an award winning IFA on the launch of an amazing financial wellbeing product that taught me the details of everything I need to know about financial planning. I should know better. In fact, I do KNOW better. I KNOW better but I just don't (or rather can't) FEEL better about money. Despite me thinking I desired self-supporting financial security more than anything in my adult life and working like a crazy person to make it happen for decades, something has prevented me from sustainably applying all that technical knowledge over the years to me and my family and that is what I am most frustrated and intrigued by and yes, very ashamed of.
A couple of weeks ago I found myself in A&E. I had a 24 hour long panic attack. My brain had a total melt down. Some might call it a nervous breakdown. After years of flirting with the edge of burnout, at the end of last year and the beginning of this year it finally happened to me. I actually burnt out. Over the last year, I have been able to physically feel the connective wires in my brain actually frying and shrivelling to the point that I became terrified that they might not re-grow. This horrendous financial fear (I know it was triggered by an unexpected bill from the french social support system URSAFF - although I am not blaming URSAFF - more detail on that another day) has left me utterly exhausted and wanting things (I guess I mean life) just to end and stop going round and round once and for all. I haven't taken any action on that end of life ideation because I love my kids too much and truthfully, I know in my bones when I am well and the depression has passed (I have lived through deep depressions before) that life can be wonderful and joyous and not something that is to be lightly disposed of. But there have been many times in the last year when I have not been able to get out of bed. When I have literally felt frozen in the fear. It's led me to stop doing the things that had been helping me stay well; the daily yoga and running (well more like gentle jogging). And my ability to concentrate and thus be creative and think about how to extricate myself from the hole was utterly and completely depleted. My self confidence had literally gushed away. I didn't know who I was anymore. The 24 hour panic attack commenced when I realised that because I live with my 'boy'friend (he's a definitely a man not a boy) and I am technically still married I can't even claim benefits. The feeling of being trapped and unable to help myself was so all consumingly claustrophobic I felt as if I could no longer breathe and Indeed I struggled to do so for 24 hours.
I read yesterday that the worst thing you can do for your kids future financial wellbeing is to keep talking about how tight finances are in front of your children. I realised this negative money talk is what is happening in my family all the time right now (and, indeed, what happened most of the time in my family of origin as I was growing up). It intrigues me because until recently when my business was flourishing and I was flush, I never really mentioned money to the kids. But now that I can't afford a coffee and can only leave the house in emergencies because its costs so much to fill up my 15 year old Volvo with petrol, I find myself wincing a few times daily as I explain to them why they need to not waste their food and eat all their dinner - as every penny counts; that I can't just buy them a new computer or phone or take them out for hot chocolates willy nilly and so on and so forth.
The thing is. Now I have recovered from my bout in hospital. I am hopeful again.
I know that in this, exact second I am actually fine.
I am alive and have a roof over my head.
I am not hungry.
There is no war or natural disaster immediately knocking at my door.
So, I commit to writing regularly about money, my latest nemesis (and most confounding so far), in an effort to get clarity and because, perhaps, as I know I am not alone in having a dysfunctional history with money, it might help others too.
It might help others let go of some of their shame and know they are not alone on their journey of trying to fix whatever it is that doesn't work about their relationship with money.
If there is one thing life has taught me so far that I believe to be true in my DNA, it is that there is always hope. My experience is that hope often lies buried in total acceptance of reality PLUS one’s understanding of the fact that we create our own realities. That self-created reality can either be the reality of a benevolently unfolding universe or a malign one, according to the predominant pattern of our actions and thinking.
Hope lies in stopping the denial and the blame and consciously taking responsibility for one's own next steps.
I commit to taking responsibility for my relationship with money once and for all.
And to sharing my journey along the way.
Are you with me ?
