Don’t worry darling
We women of the 2020s find ourselves in an interesting predicament. Emmeline Pankhurst led a well meaning bunch of revolutionary foremothers, with whom I would most definitely have been marching had I been born a century earlier. They did much to liberate us from the XX chromosome-stymying perils of Victorian patriarchy (I feel this liberation keenly as I know categorically that my cyclical bouts of PMDD, or as the Victorians would have termed it ‘Hysteria’, would have had me incarcerated in a mental asylum for much if not all of my adult life had I lived back then). But the thing is so much has happened in just over one hundred years in terms of the sexual, political and work revolutions. Did the pendulum swing too far too fast? Was the change all too quick for comfort? Did societal-evolution not give men (or women for that matter) enough time to get used to the possibilities and changes that would come with the new power balance created by such radical female freedoms?
Time and again it has been shown that when change is too extreme it can become polarising. Is that what has happened with today’s world? We see a lost and displaced generation of men and boys looking backwards into the past for meaning. They’re finding meaning in the likes of vitriol from Andrew Tate and Incel culture plus less obvious (but still twisted) misogynistic micro-cults. They are drawn to the seemingly black and white, simple solutions and subtle, (faux-libertarian) intellectual reprogramming offered by some magnetic (often disgruntled and victim-minded) podcaster-influencers. Not only are the chaps looking for some old fashioned tethering to grab hold of as they try to navigate the unsatisfactory side effects of uncertain 20th and 21st century progressive liberalism, but there are women who are doubting it too.
We see otherwise neutrally opined ‘good wives’ being subtly brainwashed by ‘sensible sounding’ anti-cancel culture, anti-woke rhetoric. Since 2020 particularly, we see alt-right social media (this dubiously escalated during the covid years - I’ll write a whole other essay on how Putin’s buddies carefully planned this long-game, alt-right social media takeover to destabilise western democracy) quietly yet persistently doing it’s ideological radicalisation, commodifying right-wing social media and manipulating a social influencer re-programming of us in it’s smoke and mirrors echo chambers. Slowly but surely the conversation has weaponised rhetoric against those who might previously never have questioned the concept of equal rights for men, women, gay, straight, transgender folk …. and subtly tricked them into joining the backlash from now-lost, once-heroes of patriarchy (hey, let’s ban abortion everyone. that’s a great idea isn’t it!?). These fallen heroes of old-school patriarchy are now victims of ever-shifting tectonic plates, who at least felt some kind of safe in their structured world of traditional and accepted dos and don’ts - even if they once-upon-a-time agreed that it didn’t function well for women.
I just watched the surprisingly thought-provoking Olivia Wilde, Florence Pugh & Harry Styles’ movie, Don’t Worry Darling. It speaks devastatingly but not unrealistically to exactly this subject. Ten minutes after watching it, I don’t have answers just lots of thoughts and questions. No system is perfect. I do not have a well thought through, utopic vision of what a perfectly harmonious society looks like in my mind. I have personally found the stress of the last 20 years (the pressure of trying to balance being be a successful business woman, a mother of three children I adore, whilst trying my hardest to be a patient, supportive dutiful wife) nearly enough to put an early end to me. My business and marriage have both suffered and the only thing I am sure of is that the parenting has been successful because I’m convinced my kids feel tethered in their personal moral compasses, so they would flourish in a world without me or their dad (whilst knowing they are loved for eternity beyond measure).
My most recent conclusion is that it’s just not possible to do all the things well and not drop the ball catastrophically along the way. There have been times when I longed for a 1950s style panacea (featuring a scenario in which men could still earn enough from one salary to support their families!) A panacea in which I did not know it was possible to exercise my intellect or manifest my business vision and inner-most dreams. Would I have been happier if I’d just had no choice? You can guarantee the toxic matriarchs, still clinging to vestiges of old fashioned ‘wifedom’ and it’s inherent social mores (be a good wife, be subtle, stay in the shadows, support your man, don’t question him, don’t shame him, don’t think about what YOU want, think about what is best for the family (ie. HIS career) don’t emasculate him, don’t outshine him, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t…Until you just can’t DO anything other than drink, lay back and think of England, sleep or read escapist novels) would say so.
Would it be easier to join the apron clad army, embrace tradwife-ness and self-medicate from the pain of knowing that liberation is a disabused option - with a daily top up of potent evening cocktails and uppers and downers to keep me numb to possibility? Perhaps it is for some.
But my experience is that once you have seen the light - it is almost impossible to go back to the darkness. You have to subject yourself to extreme brain-dirtying (the likes of The Daily Mail, Fox News and anything championed by Piers Morgan) for the darkness to take hold again.
For now, I choose to follow in the footsteps of my icon Virgina Woolf and work towards having a room of one’s own, making sure I have a little bit of surplus money so I can write and do my best to help other women avoid mental institutions or suicide and stay some kind of sane. All whilst I challenge myself to keep brave as I intentionally navigate the perilous landscape and uncertainty of a free world rather than fall into the familiar, suffocating trap and false promises of the old one. Who was it that said “I choose to be free or die trying?”
Are you with me?
